7 Things They Don’t Tell You About Miscarriage

After posting about my miscarriage, it became clear to me how much the subject isn’t talked about. So many people responded with their own stories and I started to see just how common they were. Everyone talks about the joys of pregnancy and motherhood. But we never talk about some of the harsh realities. For weeks, I searched the internet for answers. For months, I’ve been dealing with the emotions that come along with the grieving process. It becomes a never-ending cycle of what’s next? How do I move on? And now I want to share so that other women don’t feel ashamed or like a burden. Here are 7 things that no one told me about miscarriage.

The grieving process is never-ending

It’s been about 8 months since I lost my seed. I watched my due date come and go. I’ve had to celebrate Mother’s Day, pregnancy announcements, and baby showers. There’s what feels like a constant influx in pregnancies popping up online. To say that grief strikes randomly is an understatement. For a long time, I just assumed that I would get to a point where it no longer affected me. I’ve been to therapy and I’ve talked about it so what more do I need? In reality, that’s the wrong mindset. The grieving process is never-ending. You will have good days and you will have bad. But as long as you still have days to count you’re winning.

Beware when utilizing miscarriage support groups

I was in search of women who would understand what I was going through. I needed to vent and feel understood. I didn’t want to be told to “just pray about it” or that “you can try again.” I wanted to hear from people who had been where I was. But some of the “support groups” I found had more people hurting than giving hope. Remember everyone’s experience is different. It’s easy to sink into negativity in a group where everyone is discouraged. Look for groups with balance; those who can relate because they’re going through and those who can relate because they’ve been there. The two groups I found very helpful are “Sisters in Loss” by Erica McAfee and “Black Angel Moms” by Jeanae Hopgood.

It’s okay to cancel plans

I made a lot of plans before my loss and suddenly I didn’t want to do them anymore. I needed time to get back to myself and find balance. I am already an introverted extrovert so leaving the house became even more difficult. There were times when I would make a bunch of plans and then find myself in a mood. Or I would leave the house and end up being triggered by something. The more I tried to force myself to go out, the higher my anxiety went. I had to learn that it’s okay to cancel plans when you’re still healing. After talking with friends and family, I was encouraged to talk to them when I was having those moments because it was understandable. Talk about a sigh of relief!

You can be happy for others and sad for yourself

After my miscarriage, it seemed like pregnancy was everywhere. I had to delete social media for a few days because the sight of babies and pregnant women made me cry. I would try to avoid conversations about pregnancy, I definitely avoided baby showers, and I honestly didn’t want to be around newborns. It wasn’t that I was jealous or unhappy for them…I was just sad for myself. It created a trigger in my mind that was a reminder of my loss. After a while, I started to feel bad but explaining to people what I was going through mentally helped me feel better. I learned that you can both be happy for someone and sad for yourself. Now I’ve started creating escape plans that way if I become overwhelmed I can make a smooth exit.

It’s common to blame yourself. Don’t!

I spent a lot of time blaming myself even though I knew I did nothing wrong. I mean, there’s no way I could possibly get my little blueberry of a baby stuck in my fallopian tubes. But understanding that 1 in 5 women will experience a miscarriage helped. In hard situations, your mind will wander and create scenarios. Don’t let it! Most miscarriages terminate themselves due to chromosome abnormalities. More than likely, your body knew something was wrong before you did. When a negative thought arises, counter it with a positive one.

It’s more likely for you to have a successful next pregnancy

Over time, worry and fear took over my mind. The fear of not being able to carry children becomes so real. While other women who miscarried were scared to get pregnant again, I wanted to get pregnant again to prove to myself that I could do it. Once I came out of my depression a lot of that doubt subsided. I learned that 85% of women who have had one miscarriage will have a successful next pregnancy, which is a huge percentage. Worry only makes things harder.

Ignore questions about when you will have children

I spent many nights crying after being asked, “So when are you having children?” “Do you have kids?” And truth is, most people just don’t know. They don’t know the pain and reality of women who have miscarried. They don’t understand the fear that comes along with the idea of having another miscarriage. And they definitely don’t understand that some women just don’t want children. It’s just common practice to assume all women will procreate. Feel free to educate them. But also know that you don’t have to give a response.

Above all, remember that some days will be good and some will be bad. But there are people around to help you through. You’re not alone.